


You Only Kiss Me With The Lights Off

by DemonDaddy6669



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on a song, M/M, Smut, Warning for Internalized Homophobia, Warning for drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25684630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonDaddy6669/pseuds/DemonDaddy6669
Summary: This work is inspired by the song Jason by Bonnie Parker.Steve and Bucky started hooking up over the summer. What is going to happen in the fall, when school starts back up again? Steve is starting to feel in over his head. He's definitely falling in love and that's definitely his worst idea ever. And Bucky? Who the fuck knows how he feels.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. The Big Game

**Author's Note:**

> This work is based on the song Jason by Bonnie Parker.

[the song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giDM0uk36dQ)

Steve set his drink on the concrete by his feet, where the grass poked through the holes in the fence and the cracks in the pavement. The crowd was loud all around him, people laughing, cheering, swearing. They cared if the team won or lost the game. 

Steve only cared if Bucky won or lost. 

The clock ticked down to the wire. Steve gripped the cold fence and leaned over, trying to will the ball into Bucky’s arms. His heart pounded as he watched Bucky’s number tear across the AstroTurf into the endzone. Yes! Fuck yeah. 

Fingers flexing on the fence, Steve leaned back and took a deep breath. He laughed and jumped, shouting cheers with the rest of the crowd as the supporters went wild. He picked up his drink and finished the rest, crunching the ice with his teeth. He watched as the team left the field, slapping each other and whooping. 

He couldn’t lick the grin off his face if he tried. Steve slowly made his way back to his car. He wouldn’t see Bucky for a few hours yet. That wasn’t how they worked. 

Bucky would hit the showers, before going to the team party. He’d come find Steve later. That was just how things went between them. 

They’d started fucking in the summer, before the season began. They were both kicking around the same town, shooting the shit and drinking beer until fall started things back up again. Natasha had introduced the two of them at a party once, and they found that they now lived in the same town. This nothing town in upstate New York had always been Steve’s home, and Bucky’s parents had just moved, downsizing in the wake of an emptier nest. 

It was a nothing summer until it wasn’t anymore. 

It was a nothing summer until the boys had taken a drive to the lake to finish their beers. Until they had finished them all and felt good and drunk and the night was dark. It was a nothing summer until Bucky kissed Steve. 

Steve’s heart had exploded in his chest. 

Bucky pulled back with a stupid grin on his face and he laid down on the tiny dock they were camped out on past sunset. He said, “God, I’ve wanted to do that all summer.” 

Steve couldn’t feel his toes anymore. Maybe he was starting to astral project. He stared hard at Bucky in disbelief. He didn’t even know Bucky was gay. You couldn’t tell with him; not like you could tell with Steve. It wasn’t something he was ever good at hiding. 

“Say something, punk,” Bucky whispered, looking worried. 

But Steve couldn’t possibly say anything. His whole body was ringing. He leaned closer to Bucky, planting a palm beside his head. Bucky watched him with wide eyes, breathing hard. He licked his lips and kept perfectly still, waiting for Steve. Steve moved slowly, testing to see if Bucky was serious. He wanted to see if Bucky wanted to kiss him again. His eyes darted from Bucky’s mouth to his eyes until he was close enough to dump noses. 

“Please?” Bucky asked, his voice cracking. He could see the tiny dots of sweat that the heat left on Bucky’s forehead. He could see the crystal blue of his eyes and the stubble along his jaw. Steve closed the distance and kissed Bucky softly. 

Bucky moaned quietly into the kiss. His hand shot out to grab Steve by the back on the neck and pull his whole body closer. They melted into gasps and palms and lost shirts and Steve sucked Bucky off on the dock that night. 

And things after that were hard to describe. They didn’t start dating. They just continued to hang out, to talk and drink, and to get each other off. Things just weren’t like that with Bucky. 

And Steve wasn’t sure if it would all go away when they went back to school. There would be more people to see and talk to and drink with. There would be classes and jobs and girls. Bucky would have other options. And Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky would pick him over any of that. 

So Steve was surprised when Bucky showed up late at night to Steve’s apartment the week after classes started. Bucky pushed Steve into the dark hallway and up against the wall, kicking the door shut. 

“Hey babe, miss me?” He asked licking his lips, trying to hide his arrogant grin as his pressed his body against Steve’s. Steve’s heart was pounding, and his mouth went dry. He knew Bucky could feel him getting hard between them, because he could feel Bucky. 

Bucky smelled like smoke and whiskey, his pupils large enough that Steve couldn’t tell if it was just that dark in the hall or if Bucky had taken something. 

“What are you doing here?” Steve asked. Bucky drew his nose along Steve’s jaw, sending a shiver down his spine that had Bucky smirking. 

“I thought we could still keep things casual? Ya know, like we were?” Bucky’s hands dug into Steve’s hips and he slipped his thigh between Steve’s legs. Steve bit his lip to stop a whimper in his throat. 

“Sure, yeah,” Steve rasped out, feeling the most turned on he’d ever felt in his life. 

“Great,” Bucky said, dropping to his knees. 

Steve’s hands immediately flew to tangle in Bucky’s brown hair, “Christ, Buck, I have roommates.” 

“Better be quiet then, huh?” Bucky whispered, palming Steve’s crotch. 

Steve felt his heart in his throat as Bucky worked to untangle his belt. God, he wanted this so bad. He was so scared that Bucky wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore. And here he was, on his knees in Steve’s front hall, a space barely big enough to fit the two men in the dark shadows. 

After Bucky sucked his soul out through his dick he stood and pressed back up against Steve. The heat from his body was addictive and Steve wanted nothing more than to take him to bed. Bucky ran his hands over Steve and bit at his ear lobe. 

“Thanks for the chat, doll face. I’ll see you around,” Bucky said, and just like that he was pulling away. 

Steve felt his breath freeze in his lungs. His throat constricted, making his voice harsh when he asked, “What about you? You don’t wanna stay longer?” 

Steve felt Bucky smile against his jaw, his teeth scraping his skin and felt like he was about to cum again. His hand went to Bucky’s, holding on only loosely because he knew he couldn’t convince Bucky to stay if he wasn’t planning to. 

“Ah, you’re sweet, doll face.” And with a shake of his head Bucky was gone just as suddenly as he appeared. 

That night, left alone in the apartment hallway, Steve slide to the floor and felt his eyes prick with tears. He was definitely fucked. He knew he couldn’t fall in love with Bucky. The whole prospect would kill him. He was gonna get his heart broken if he went down that road. 

“Keep it casual,” he said to himself, knocking his head back against the drywall. 


	2. You Take A Hit Then Take It All Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the big game... Bucky comes over.

Bucky knocked on Steve’s door around 2 in the morning. Steve stood from the couch, rubbing the exhaustion from his face. His roommates had gone to bed hours ago, but he figured Bucky would take his time. 

He opened the door and leaned against it with a sleepy smile, crossing his arms. Bucky leaned against the wall opposite Steve’s door, looking like some model ready for his photograph to be taken. 

Bucky’s smirk reappeared as he watched Steve’s eye roam over his body. 

Bucky kicked off from the wall and pushed in close to Steve. “Are you gonna invite me in, doll?”

But Steve didn’t shrink back. Instead, he tilted his chin, brushing his lips against Bucky’s cheek before they got close to his ear. Bucky’s hair smelled like apples. “Depends. How long you planin to stay?”

Bucky licked his lips, “Long enough, punk.”

Steve stepped back to let Bucky in before closing the door. He took Bucky’s wrist and lead him to his bedroom, quietly flicking off the other lights along the way. 

“Good game,” Steve offered, sitting on his bed in the corner, as Bucky shut the bedroom door. 

“You came?” Bucky asked, sounding surprised. 

“Of course, punk,” Steve said, leaning back against the wall, his legs spread widthwise over his blue sheets. “I always show up.” 

Bucky nodded and looked hesitantly around the dim space. His fingers brushed around his pockets like he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. 

Steve patted the bed next to him, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. Sleep weighed heavy on his body, but he wanted to be present with Bucky while he got him. 

Bucky slipped a hand into the inside pocket of his jacket and brought out a small plastic baggie. “You mind if I…” Bucky asked, gesturing to the nightstand vaguely. 

Steve peeked an eye and shook his head. A pang ran through him and he took a deep breath and Bucky prepped his line of white and snorted it. Like, he gets it. It’s college. Bucky’s rich and white and he’s doing this shit just because he can. But does it have to be now? Right before they hook up? 

Steve can’t remember if Bucky’s ever tried to hook up with him sober. He winces. 

Fuck, Steve knew he should tell Bucky to go home but he also knew he couldn’t bring himself to kick Bucky out. 

Bucky chuckled and dusted away his mess. He slipped off his shoes and jacket, crawling onto the bed with Steve. He laid his head on the pillow, resting his legs over Steve’s lap. 

“How ya been Steve?” Bucky asked, sliding his arms under his head. The motion pulls up his shirt, allowing Steve to see the skin of his stomach. Gently Steve ran a finger along the exposed skin and Bucky hummed low in his throat. 

“Nothing much, nothing new,” Steve said with a shrug, almost forgetting the question. He wished he could skip the small talk with Bucky. He wished that he could run his hands along Bucky’s sides and hold him and fall asleep with him. He wished they… no don’t go there. That’s romantic shit. And they aren’t dating. 

Bucky sat up and pulled Steve’s face closer to his own. Bucky’s eyes looked blown wide as they searched his face. Bucky had never looked so beautiful to Steve. His face was completely smooth and open, and Steve would almost see the fading summer freckles that the fall was stealing from his cheeks. 

Bucky’s voice was low and soft as he asked again, “But how do you feel, Steve?”

Steve closed his eyes and swallowed the dryness in his mouth. He cleared his throat and whispered back honestly, “I’m tired, but I always feel good with you Buck.”

Bucky nodded and pressed his forehead to Steve’s. His hand was warm and solid at Steve’s neck and Steve felt his heartbeat pick up at the sensation. His throat constricted and he began doubting being so honest. The words weren’t much but they ran so deeply through Steve. He swiped his tongue over his bottom lip before asking, “How do you feel?”

Bucky hummed before kissing Steve. It was soft like Bucky was, in a way that was surprising and not surprising. Soft in a way that was demanding but open. Steve asked gently with slow tugs of his teeth at Bucky’s lower lip and Bucky’s hand grew rougher in Steve’s blond hair. 

Just as Steve was forgetting his own question Bucky answered quietly, “I don’t know what the hell I feel Steve, but I like feelin it with you.”

Bucky pulled back and threw his shirt across the room, his pants and Steve’s t-shirt soon after. Bucky has gone commando because of course he did. 

Steve hovered over Bucky, kissing up his chest and jaw, listening to Bucky’s breath deepen and rise into a whine. His hips bucked up into Steve’s. 

Steve went slow. He liked being a little mean like this, wanting Bucky to wait like he made him wait. He licked at Bucky’s neck and bit his ear lobe, dragging the skin in his teeth hard enough to shoot straight through Bucky and make him arch up. Bucky’s hand scratched at the back of Steve’s neck before Steve captured it and locked their fingers together, pinning Bucky’s hand to the pillow. 

He kissed and scratched down Bucky’s body. Steve could tell that Bucky was soaring, right where he wanted to be. He was panting and looking at Steve like he hung the moon. 

Steve licked at his teeth and swallowed hard, trying to hide a smile but he couldn’t quite manage it. This was just too perfect. 

Steve gripped Bucky hard. Automatically Bucky’s hand shot out to find purchase but there wasn’t anything to grab but sheets. Steve watched as Bucky flexed, stretching everything from toe to crown, relishing the feeling of Steve and whatever drugs he had snorted. 

Bucky’s cock was red and leaking despite his intoxication. Steve licked at the head slowly before taking as much as he could in his mouth. Bucky groaned low and rolled his head back before propping himself up on one elbow to watch Steve work him over. 

Steve locked eyes with Bucky and raised an eyebrow as he sunk further down, trying to suppress a gag. 

Bucky muttered under his breath, probably all sorts of blasphemous shit, but all Steve could catch was, “…Mother of Joseph... fucking goddamn eyes... kill me...” before he dropped back to the pillow. 

Steve backed off for a moment, licking and kissing over Bucky’s lower abdomen and where his thighs creased. The muscles in Bucky’s torso jumped when Steve’s fingers start to roam as well. Bucky looked gone as he groaned again, his hips begging Steve to come back to his dick. 

Steve felt his own dick press against the bed, but he ignored it for the most part, just rolling his hips into the bed as he licked down Buck’s cock. His body thrummed, his heart beating hard, his fingers twitching around Bucky. He hummed around Bucky forcing himself low again. Bucky gasped and came, his hand reaching to tangle in Steve’s hair. 

Steve kissed his way back up Bucky’s body and settled next to him, sitting against the cheap headboard. He reached for the bottle of water on his nightstand and gulped the taste out of his mouth. The air smelled like sweat and sex. Good. Bucky’s breathing returned to normal and Steve offered him the bottle. 

He pushed himself up against the headboard along Steve and accepted the water. Bucky chuckled as he handed the bottle back. As Steve set the bottle back on the table, Bucky’s hand inched up Steve’s thigh. 

“I’m good,” Steve said with a shrug. “It’s late.” 

Bucky’s finger’s ghosted over Steve’s cock and despite the water, Steve’s mouth dried out instantly. Fuck, Steve could feel all the blood leave his brain cells and travel back down to his cock. 

Bucky’s mouth was at his ear, warm breath fanning over the side of Steve’s neck. “You sure about that, baby?”

Steve could hear the smile in Bucky’s question. Of course Steve wanted to fuck him; Steve always wanted to fuck him. 

Bucky bit insistently at the juncture of Steve’s jaw and Jesus Christ head empty. All the thoughts disappeared from Steve’s mind in a snap. 

But instead of letting his head fall back again and letting Bucky go further, Steve turned his cheek. Bucky pulled back and looked Steve in the eyes. Steve searched his face, looking for something. 

He saw lust there. Steve saw trust too, that was reassuring. He saw compassion and beauty. Mostly Bucky was beautiful. And when Bucky's grip tightened and he tugged lightly at Steve’s balls, Steve’s eyes fluttered closed. 

He let them stay closed when he hummed and whispered hoarsely, “No, I think I’m good Buck.”

Bucky couldn’t quite tell if Steve had said Buck or punk, but he pulled his hand back and smoothly transitioned to brushing through Steve’s hair. An arrogant sweet smirk was back, teasing. “Whatever you say, doll.” 

Steve flicked his eyes at Bucky in time to catch the smile, but he let his eyes close again and he bit his lip to keep back the infectious grin. Steve slid back to rest his head on a pillow, settling into the bed properly. 

And because Bucky liked being mean too, he swung his leg over Steve’s legs, straddling him for a moment, pressing back into Steve's cock. He lowered his face to Steve’s, moving quickly away from Steve’s kiss to whisper again in his ear, “Goodnight beautiful.” 

Steve’s breath stuttered from his lungs and he bucked up involuntarily. Bucky’s fingers scratched down Steve’s chest as he prepared to push off of Steve and climb from the bed. He looked around for his clothes and dressed sloppily. 

Steve watched him, his heart beating against his ribcage as he watched Bucky gather his things. “You-.”

He stopped but Bucky had heard him. “What was that?” 

“You could always,” Steve swallowed mid-sentence, forcing the words passed his lips, “spend the night if you want. You know, if you’re too fucked up or whatever.”

“Oh I’m fucked baby, thanks to you.” Bucky winked and smiled at his own joke: a gesture Steve could barely make out in the dark. “But don’t worry about me.”

Steve nodded and closed his eyes, resting his hands behind his head. His eyes stung and he licked his lips, taking a deep breath. He listened to Bucky slip out of his room, and then out of the apartment. 

“Yeah I’m fucked too baby, thanks to you.” Steve murmured. He knew he was so incredibly screwed. He’d told himself not to get in too deep, but fuck if he didn’t love Bucky. 

He wanted Bucky to want to stay the night. Steve wanted to keep him strung out in pure pleasure in his bed forever. He wanted to curl into his body heat and feel his hands and arms all night. Steve wanted to wake up with Bucky’s arm on his waist in the morning. 

He wanted morning sex and a breakfast date. He wanted to go to parties with Bucky, to be public and proud. He wanted to play with Bucky’s hair while they watched a movie on the couch. 

Fuck, Steve had to mess everything up and go falling in love.


	3. Take Me To A Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What can Steve do about his feelings???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this chapter is sfw, mostly moving the plot along).

Steve didn’t have any classes with Bucky. Bucky was in the engineering department and Steve was in the political science department. And it didn’t bother Steve one bit that Bucky had a different major because all the other guys in the political science department were fucking jerks. Like Anthony Mutherfucking Stark.

Everytime Tony opened his mouth in class Steve looked at the strawberry blonde girl sitting next to him and rolled his eyes. She smirked back at him and then fixed a neutral expression on her face when she turned back to the class.

Steve didn’t have any classes with Nat this semester either. He was finishing up his history minor and she was using all her extra credits on internships. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays they grabbed lunch together off campus.

This Thursday Nat chose the diner on main street. She waved at some blond over Steve’s shoulder as she slid into her seat.

“How do you know everyone in town?” Steve grumbled.

Nat gave him a sarcastic smile, “It’s my job. Or at least it’s gonna be. It’s all about who you know in the real world.”

Steve nodded and popped a fry into his mouth. They caught up on projects and essays and meandered into gossip.

“Did Tony ask Pepper out yet?” Nat asked, sneaking one of Steve’s fries.

Steve snorted. “God, I hope not. Why would she say yes?”

She shrugged, “All I know is he won’t shut up about her. She could do worse.”

“I literally can’t think of anyone worse, Nat,” Steve said, blinking at the ceiling.

“You know what I mean. Tony’s smart. Yeah yeah he’s loud and annoying but the shit coming out of his mouth isn’t all half-baked.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. Nat pointed a finger at him and continued, “Thor’s got some sort of eco project with him and he’s rocking Thor’s shit. Apparently.”

Steve stretched his neck and changed the topic. “So have you seen Bucky recently?”

He tried to sound casual, but Nat knew better. A creeping grin spread across her face and her eyes slimmed into a squint. “Why I have, in fact.”

Steve stared at his plate. She was gonna make this hard for him.

“How is he?” Steve asked.

“He’s Bucky,” she said, shrugging.

“Last game of the season is this weekend,” Steve said.

“Are you going?” Nat asked with an arched brow.

“Of course.”

“Didn’t know you were so… sporty,” Nat offered. “Are you guys still hooking up?”

Steve finally met her eyes, his jaw clenched. He nodded slightly and ground his teeth.

Nat frowned. “What’s that look for? You caught feelings?”

Steve signed and buried his face in his hands, propping his elbows on the table. He scrubbed his fingers over his face and peaked at Nat, not saying anything.

He couldn’t bring himself to even think the L word let alone say it aloud to Natasha. It was just a feeling that was living inside his chest rent-free for the foreseeable future, making him slightly nauseous with little warning.

“That bad huh?” she said, offering him a weak smile. “Not to uh, ask the obvious, but did you talk to him about that?”

Steve closes his eyes and gives a rueful smile. He wasn’t ballsy enough for that. Open and honest communication? Never heard of her.

“That’s not really Bucky’s style,” Steve said.

“Or yours,” Nat snorted. “Look, I’m gonna give it to you straight: you have 2 options. You can either continue to not talk about it or you can man up and face your feelings with Bucky. And what happens if you ignore it? That shits gonna fester and you’re gonna be miserable and pine-y and that shits not cute. That’s gonna ruin what you have going on.”

Steve groaned throwing his hands out, “You’re right! But what happens if I talk to him? That’s not ‘keeping it casual’ now is it? I’m gonna ruin it either way.”

“So Bucky is either going to one: tell you he’s not interested in a relationship, two: tell you he does want to try out a relationship, three: stop fucking you, or four: keep fucking you. And any combination therein.

Steve mutters something under his breath about ‘who’s fucking who here?’ that draws a smile from Nat before she keeps talking. “You guys aren’t exactly friends outside of all this anymore. You don’t hang out or go to parties together. You’re not losing that. So maybe even if he wants to stop fucking, you guys can be friends.”

“ _Can I_ be friends with him?” Steve asks.

“Let me tell you, once someone rejects you, the only road is towards moving on. Eventually, yeah, maybe. You gotta fall for someone who wants you back, Steve.”

“Well no shit, but here I am.” Steve’s voice sounds a little panicked.

Nat slips her hand over his and gives a comforting pat. “Gotta bite the bullet, babe.”

Steve blows out a deep breath, his food completely abandoned. “Okay, hypothetically, how to I do that?”

Nat leans back in her seat, picking at the remains of her meal. “There’s a party after the last game. You should come. I know it’s not your scene but it’s as good a place as any to start.”

“I don’t want to ruin that night for him.”

“Well if he shows up at your place later, high as balls because the season’s over and he can hit shit whenever again, something’s gonna happen anyway. At least the party is neutral territory.” 

Steve ground his teeth again. “Good point.”

Nat always knew what to say. She could analyze any situation and come up with all the possible solutions. It was hard to imagine anyone ever rejecting her. Nat smirked and looked at her watch, “I know. I have to run, I have class. You’ll do great, stay out of your head about it.”

She grabbed her bag and dropped a twenty on the table. “Text me,” she called over her shoulder before slipping out the door.

As Steve signaled to the waitress for the check, he tried to clear his head and focus on his options. He stared at the drying streaks of ketchup and mustard at the checkered lip of his dish, the salt granules on the table, and Nat’s crumpled napkin atop her plate.

He took a deep breath. In that moment nothing was happening to him. He was sitting in a diner. He was finished lunch, paying the bill, and he would drive back to campus for his last class of the day. All of that was just one foot in front of the other, but right now he was just sitting in a room that smelled like greasy eggs and burnt cheese and raspberry cream and cola bubbles. He could feel the slip of fats on his fingers from his fries.

Nothing was happening. It was all anticipation. After the game. He didn’t need to worry until after the game. Friday night, early Saturday morning if he was being practical.

He left some change on the table as tip before standing and slipping his coat on. As he pushed his way out the door, he took another deep breath, relishing the fresh air and the cooling temperatures. The sun warmed his skin to complement the breeze and he slipped his sunglasses on before heading to his car.

As he rounded the corner into the parking lot, the sight before him stopped him dead in his tracks.

Three people Steve vaguely recognized were walking towards him. As they neared Steve’s mouth went dry.

Fuck fuck fuck.

A cute brunet Nat had once introduced him to at the same party where he had met Bucky walked before the others. His hair was longer, his curls flying in the wind but not long enough to pass his chin. Bennet? Banner? Yeah probably.

The woman with rib-length reddish hair had her arms wrapped around Bucky as they approached. Bucky’s arm was slung across her shoulders. The smile plastered across his face melted Steve’s heart despite it racing at the sight of them.

When Bucky saw Steve, he raised his hand and smiled wider, slowing his friends.

“Hey Steve, whatcha up to?” Bucky asked, stopping a few feet ahead of Steve. His arm dropped from the woman and he shoved his fists into his pockets.

“Just grabbing lunch with Nat.” They all seemed to recognize the name, even the woman, who Steve was pretty sure he had met even if he couldn’t remember her name. Had she also been at that one party?

“You’ve met Bruce and Wanda, right?” Bucky said. Steve nodded and forced smiles at both of them. “We were just about to grab lunch too.”

“This place is good,” Steve offered, hoping some god somewhere would strike him with lightning and put him out of his misery. He was grateful that his sunglasses gave him some illusion of distance.

After a few seconds of awkward gazes Bucky asked Bruce if he and Wanda could grab them a table. “I’ll be in in a minute.”

When they rounded the corner Bucky took a step closer. Steve could feel every cell in his body and suddenly the perfect day outside had him sweating and shivering all at once. His neck felt flush and his fingertips trembled. Through the lens of his sunglasses he could see the open blue of Bucky’s irises and the eye contact was enough to quicken his breath.

Fuck, it had been forever since he had seen Bucky in the middle of the day. The night and darkness and interior walls of Steve’s apartment had provided a privacy and intimacy that was stripped bare in the public and sunlight.

It had also been forever since he’d seen Bucky sober.

Steve felt exposed and vulnerable. How was he going to confess his feelings, maybe even ask Bucky out, if he could barely manage a smooth conversation on the sidewalk.

He knew what Bucky looked like naked and whimpering but somehow _this_ was too much. All that bedroom swagger had deserted him.

Bucky reached out and slowly pulled Steve’s sunglasses from his face, giving a small arrogant smile. The smile stretched wider when he asked the question, “So, uh, are you coming to the game tomorrow?”

Steve nodded dumbly.

Bucky licked his lower lip as his gaze sunk from Steve’s eyes to his lips and back up. “Good,” Bucky said. “There’s gonna be a party after. You should… come.”

The way Bucky paused had Steve holding his breath. Fucking jerk with his weak ass jokes. Steve rolled his eyes, trying to brush off how much his thoughts were affected by one word.

Somehow the joke seemed to break the tension, at least a little. This was Bucky, he knew him. Bucky made his heart race, but he also made Steve comfortable.

Steve blinked and tried on some shade of his bedroom confidence. He knew how to flirt with Bucky, it was familiar even if his feelings now ran deeper through his heart than before. “Oh I was fucking planning on it.”

He smirked at the way Bucky’s gaze darkened and he plucked his sunglass back, sliding him on smoothly before brushing a hand down Bucky’s chest as he pushed passed.

Well he was definitely going to the party now.

If Steve didn’t drop dead from heart failure at the party if would be a miracle.


	4. To Be Seen in the Public Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally sees Bucky at the party... what is he going to say to him?

The team lost the final game of the season. 

Steve wasn’t sure how to describe the energy as he watched everyone walk off the field. Natasha downed the remains of her beer and dragged him to his car. She blasted the music on the way to the party, not sulking exactly, but drowning out all thought entirely. 

Steve had no space to plan for what he was going to say to Bucky. 

Hey, we should talk. That was dumb, that was dating shit. And they weren’t dating. 

Bucky, I’m in love with you. Way too forward for Steve’s scaredy-cat ass. 

Hey Buck, come here often? Cliched. 

Sup punk, wanna fuck? Good energy, but not the right message for tonight. 

Now that Steve had admitted to himself that he’s fallen hard for his fuckbuddy, he couldn’t contain all the electricity in his body. It was like the realization had lit a flame under his ass, igniting some sort of fuse. 

Nat directed Steve to park down the block from the frat house, knowing full well they wouldn’t find a spot closer. 

“Are you sure you don’t need a ride home, Nat?” Steve asked for the fifth time. 

“Yes, I’m suuuure. I’m planning on going home with Clint tonight,” Nat said with a wink as she slipped to the sidewalk. The name Clint sounded familiar to Steve, but he couldn’t imagine the face.  
God he was nervous. 

The night was chilly enough that Steve almost wished he had more than a leather jacket and his t-shirt. But there Nat was, in jeans and a shimmering tank top. 

They walked up to the party together, but Steve quickly lost sight of Nat’s red hair in the crowd. 

Everyone seemed… trashed. No one was letting the lost get them down; it seemed the solution was to get high. Or smashed. 

Steve picked up a beer and wove his way deeper into the house. He was almost relieved that he didn’t see Bucky yet. He was beginning to regret coming at all. 

He made his way to the basement and spotted Pepper leaning against the wall, watching Tony and Bruce take on Thor and some guy Steve had never met before. He spotted Nat in the back corner, sitting in the lap of some blond. 

“Hey Pepper, how’s it going?” Steve offered, leaning close so she could hear him over the music. 

She gave him a warm smile and a hapless shrug. “I’m only here because Tony begged me. I didn’t think this was your kind of thing?”

Steve returned a nod and a slow grin, “It’s not really. A couple people asked me to come. Why not, right?”

A loud burst of cheers and boos erupted from the table and Bruce downed two cups. Pepper gestured vaguely, “Oh I can think of a few reasons.” 

The heat in the basement was growing as more sweaty drunk bodies pushed in. Steve still didn’t see any sign of Bucky. Steve grabbed another beer. The anxiety was beginning to fade as the alcohol soaked through his body. 

At some point later someone suggested they play spin the bottle. 

“What are we, twelve?” Nat complained. 

“Come on, Nat,” Wanda begged. “I never got to have boy-girl parties when I was a kid. Please??” 

When Nat caved everyone cheered and somehow Steve was dragged into the group. The circle contained Tony, Bruce, Steve, Wanda, Thor, some guy who was Thor’s brother, Pepper, Clint, Nat, some girls named Maria and Sharon, and a guy named Brock who seemed to be the only person other than Thor who actually belonged to the frat. 

Wanda spun first and blushed darkly when the bottle pointed at Nat. Tony whistled and Pepper smacked him in the back of the head. 

Nat raised an eyebrow and crooked a finger, telling Wanda to come closer. Wanda swallowed hard and pressed her lips softly to Nat’s before ducking her head. But Nat was quicker. 

“No no, sweetie, you need a real kiss,” Nat pouted, grabbing Wanda by the back of her head to kiss her harder, sucking at her bottom lip before stroking a finger up Wanda’s neck to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Wanda shivered and whimpered before Nat let her crawl back to her space in the circle. 

A few of the guys stared open-mouthed in the moment of relative silence that followed. Clint also ended up kissing Wanda. Thor kissed Nat. Brock’s spin landed on Maria, but she just bit him hard enough that he left bleeding, cursing her under his breath.

“He cheated on my roommate,” she said with a shrug. 

After that, it was Tony’s spin. 

“Pucker up Peps,” Tony said flexing his fingers. The bottle spun a few times before landing on… Bruce. 

The group erupted in cackles, both men sputtering and avoiding eye contact. Steve rolled his eyes. 

“Come on guys, it would be hot!” Nat shouted, impersonating a frat bro. Bruce flipped Nat the bird and glared at her. 

Pepper caught Steve’s eye from across the circle and gave him a wink. She leaned over so she could whisper into Tony’s ear for a moment. 

Tony’s face flushed and his eyes grew wide. He stared at Bruce for a moment and licked his bottom lip. Bruce’s jaw fell at the action.

“Woah, woah, what-” Bruce asked holding out a hand. 

“Shut up,” Tony said, grabbing Bruce’s jaw and kissing him hard. Steve’s jaw also dropped as he watched Tony go for it. He pushed Bruce down so that he was only supported by his forearms behind him, Tony hovering above. When he finally broke away both were panting. 

Pepper giggled, covering her hand with her mouth. What the fuck did she say to him?

“That was hot,” Nat said, breaking the group into light chuckles. 

It was Sharon’s turn next and Steve was only half paying attention when the bottle landed on him. Fuck. He gave Sharon an embarrassed smile and tossed a panicked glance at Nat. She shrugged, indicating he should get it over with. 

Steve itched to leave the basement and struggled to breathe deeply in the muggy air. Sharon crawled over to him and planted a soft kiss on his lips. She smelled fruity and her lips were sticky. By all accounts, she was pretty and nice, but Steve felt nothing but embarrassment, like he had just pissed himself. 

Sharon giggled and went back to her spot. Steve’s eyes flitted across the basement nervously. As Nat picked up the bottle, Steve’s eye locked onto the figure that was standing at the bottom of the stairs.  
Bucky stood in the doorway, head cocked, holding a cup in his hand. He was watching the group sitting in the middle of the floor. The music seemed softer than it was when Steve and Nat arrived. It must be 2 or 3 in the morning by now, Steve thought. What had happened to all that time?

When Bucky met Steve’s eyes the realization that Bucky was dead fucking sober in the middle of all this chaos washed over Steve like a cold shower. His throat constricted and he tried to swallow the cotton feeling of his tongue. 

Steve could see the tick in Bucky’s jaw before he turned and headed back up the stairs. Steve quickly made some excuse and followed after him, abandoning the game, up the stairs to the second floor of the house. 

“Bucky?” Steve called. Either Bucky couldn’t hear Steve over the people between them, or he was ignoring him. 

Steve was beginning to feel nauseated again. Fuck, did Bucky see him kiss Sharon? Did he show up after that? They weren’t even dating, it didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter, but for Steve, it felt like it did. He shouldn’t have done that.


	5. Let Me Down Easily Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes his confession.

He chased down the hall after Bucky, forcing his way into a bedroom door before Bucky could shut it behind himself. 

“Hey Buck-”

“Hey Steve, glad you made it,” Bucky said. To Steve’s ears, the words sounded strange. He couldn’t quite gauge his intentions through the alcohol and Bucky’s body half facing the window overlooking the front yard. 

“Yeah, I said I was coming.” Steve could barely push the words past his lips. He tried swallowing any moisture back into his mouth. “Hey, I uh wanted to talk-”

“I really fucked this all up, didn’t I?” Bucky asked. 

“What?” Steve felt lost. 

“This stupid fucking game. I failed. Everyone was counting on me and I blew it. Just like always.”

The football game, right. 

“And we’re seniors, what am I even doing with my life?” Bucky sat down heavily on the bed, still not looking at Steve. The cup Steve has seen in the basement had disappeared from Bucky’s hand. Maybe he has dumped it downstairs somewhere. 

Steve slowly approached as he watched Bucky run his hands through his hair. He hesitantly sat on the bed next to Bucky. 

Buck finally looked up, a bitter smile on his face. “I told my ma that I wanted to join the military right outta high school, didya know that?” 

Steve shook his head, curious as to where Bucky was going with this story. 

“She about tore my head off for that one,” Bucky snorted. “Ranting and ravin’ about how her only son was going to get a college education if it killed her.” 

Steve offered him a small smile. He could imagine his own ma reacting in the same way. 

“Maybe the military would have been good for me. Whip me into shape or something.” Bucky gazed wistfully out the front window. 

The moonlight shone in, contrasting with the deep, honey-yellow light coming from the tiny side table lamp. Bucky’s profile looked almost cinematic to Steve, with the way his hair glowed and the light outlined his jaw and neck. 

He considered what Bucky said for a moment before chuckling. 

Bucky gave him a sideways glance, “What’s so funny, punk?”

“Oh I’m just trying to imagine you following anyone’s orders is all.” Steve’s face twisted even more as he couldn’t contain his laughter. Bucky smiled slightly and gave Steve’s shoulder a shove, muttering under his breath. 

Steve shoved him back. “What was that? What are you sayin about me?”

Bucky laughed this time. Bucky leaned in close, his eyes daring Steve to call him out. “I didn’t say nothing.”

Steve leaned in even closer, his heart beating faster. “If you’re gonna call me names, Buck, say ‘em to my face.” 

His eyes flicked from Bucky’s blue-green eyes to his mouth. He watched Bucky lick his lips and swallow roughly before he met his eyes again. 

He took a deep breath. He wasn’t gathering his courage so much as he was trying to get out words before his brain could realize what was happening. Now was not the time for thinking. 

“I wanted to talk to you tonight,” Steve whispered. “I don’t know if now is the best time, though. You seem upset.”

Bucky gave him that easy smile that had Steve’s pulse beat in his stomach. “I’m just always a mess. What can I say? I’m some college-football-star-wannabe with a pill problem and a motorcycle who’s gonna be facing the real world too soon. I don’t know what I’m gonna do or where I’m gonna go.”

Bucky shrugged and continued softly, “But I always want to talk to you, Steve. It makes me feel good.” 

“You sure?” Steve asked, offering Bucky an out. 

Bucky nodded and stayed quiet, leaving Steve to take the lead on the conversation. 

“You know how you said you wanted to keep things casual?” Steve asked, finally looking away. 

Bucky nodded; an action Steve watched only out of the corner of his eye. 

“I don’t think I can do that anymore” Steve breathed. Steve closed his eyes, unable to muster up anything more. 

“I-um-what-uh” Bucky seemed to stutter over his thoughts, unable to get out just one idea at a time. 

Steve looked back at Bucky, inches from his face. He could feel Bucky’s body heat so close to his left side. All he ached to do was lean in closer. He felt like he was going to throw up. Bucky searched his face, trying to read how Steve was feeling. There could be so many reasons that Steve wanted to break things off. 

Bucky looked down, breaking eye contact. 

“I uh, I understand if you’re uh done with me,” Bucky said, nodding once. “It wasn’t that serious. Totally, we can stop. Of course.”

Steve wanted to scream. He didn’t want him to feel thrown away. He didn’t want Bucky to feel anything bad at all. He just couldn’t seem to get the right words out. 

“No!” Steve said a little too loudly. Bucky flinched back. Steve winced and clenched his jaw. He pleaded with his eyes for Bucky to just read his mind and understand. 

Steve wanted to run away. He imagined bolting out the door and driving away. But he knew that would lead to a bigger mess. 

“Buck, I-” Steve began. 

“You don’t have to justify anything to me, Steve. It’s okay. No questions asked.” Bucky shrugged, trying to play things off. But he was never very good at playing things off when he was sober. Steve could see the defensiveness and the hurt. 

Bucky glanced at the door like he also wanted to escape. 

“No, Bucky, I do. I just- shit fuck, why is this so hard?” Steve asked to no one in particular. He reached for Bucky’s face, brushing his thumb along his cheekbone and carding his fingers through his hair slightly. 

Bucky closed his eyes and he looked like he was holding his breath. Steve pulled him closer until their noses touched. Bucky’s nose was surprisingly warm. 

“I would really- really- like to keep fucking you,” Steve said, practically whining. Bucky snorted at the words but didn’t open his eyes. Steve tightened the fingers in Bucky’s soft brown hair. “I just- I can’t be casual anymore. I like you. Like romantically and shit. And I want more.”

Now it was Steve’s turn to hold his breath as he watched for Bucky’s reaction. Time seemed to slow, or maybe Steve’s adrenaline was forcing his senses into overdrive. 

Bucky took forever to take a deep breath and open his eyes. Steve let go of his hair, suddenly afraid that Bucky would reject him. Could he have read everything wrong? His stomach flipped. 

“I’m sorry-” Bucky said. Steve’s heart plummeted but Bucky was still talking. Steve struggled to focus over the roar in his ears and the heat flushing across his cheeks. “I don’t know what to say.”

Bucky shook his head and continued, “I don’t know what I thought you’d want to talk about. But it wasn’t this. I-”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, interrupting. He pulled back further, licking his lips. 

“Wait, Steve.” As Steve tried to stand, Bucky pulled him closer, his hand wrapping around Steve’s forearm. Suddenly they were back to being inches apart, both breathing heavily in the small space between them. Steve smelled the beer on his own breath, though he couldn’t feel any more of the alcohol in his blood. 

“I want you too, Steve,” Bucky said. “I just-” 

Bucky paused for a moment and let out a frustrated groan. Steve searched his face for any information. 

“I’m such a mess right now-”

Right, Bucky was going to let him down gently. Completely understandably. He wasn’t ready. It wasn’t the right moment. Steve had shot his shot at the wrong time. 

“but-”

But? Steve opened his eyes again. When had he shut them? 

“But I do want you,” Bucky said, swallowing again. His hand moved from Steve’s arm to the side of his face. “I’ll regret it forever if I say that I don’t want you. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what that means or what that looks like. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing about anything right now.”

Steve swallowed the dirt taste from his mouth. “So what now?”

“Good question,” Bucky said, giving a millisecond smile.


End file.
